I'm having a really bad time tonight.  Don't know why.  Want to do things that I haven't done in a long time that I shouldn't do...

When I was younger (early twenties), I would internalize most emotional things.  When they bubbled up and out instead of cutting myself I used to brand myself.  Just little things on my body that people wouldn't see.  I know.  It seems pathetic.  It was just my way of dealing.  I haven't thought about that in years.  Tonight.  Out of the blue I wanted to do it.  I don't know what brought this on.  

Yes, my husband is away for a year and I'm taking care of three boys by myself.  Yes his family is here and they take the older boys for short periods of time during the weekend.  But tonight has been a bad night.  I don't know why.  My husband is coming home for good in october.  I haven't had this problem this whole year until now.  And I can't talk to anyone about it.  They don't understand the military life.   Plus, my husband's cousin is in afganistan so since my husband is only in Korea it matters less.  I've tried a couple of times to talk to the family but I always get "well at least he' s only in korea".  Yes, I know it's not in a war zone.  But you know what?  It still sucks that he is gone for a year.  It's hard.  It's hard taking care of three kids on your own.  They don't think about what I'm going through.  They see our cousin and go "she has it so hard."  Yes, it's hard having some one in a war zone.  And taking care of a baby.  But you know what?  It sucks no matter what.  It's the same as far as our husbands are gone.  And you know what?  You have it easy.  You have your family and your husbands family here.  And you have your friends.  I don't have that .  We moved here to be with my husbands family.  That means I left my friends.  My sons left their friends.  It's hard being in a place where you don't know anyone but the family.  The same family who doesn't get it.  And what's worse?  I usually blog about mundane stuff at myspace.  I can't complain like this there.  My husband reads my myspace.  He doesn't understand how hard it is.  He only sees it as we are by his family and everything should be hunky dory. 

I'm sorry if this is coming out disjointed.  It's late and I'm feeling really down. 

From: [identity profile] evil-fionn.livejournal.com

Been there...

Honey, you really don't know me from jack, because we're virtual friends...
But if I tell you I can relate to EVERY thing you're saying, will that help?
I went through all of what you're speaking about. I have those same self-destructive tendencies. And they do pop up at the weirdest times... and its harder sometimes to fight them off than others.
Can I tell you its gonna get better? Nope. But I can tell you that there is one person who understands how it is.
Lonely is lonely, no matter where your husband is. And Korea is still Korea. And yes, you can still worry about him, because Korea is still considered a hostile-fire zone, and even if it wasn't, you still wonder if he's okay. And to deny that you hurt 'cause he isn't there, or try to minimize it because "it could always be worse", isn't fair to you.
I don't mean to bum you out even more. I just need you to know that there is somebody that knows and "gets it", even when we're 1/2 a country away from each other.

From: [identity profile] ladycolete.livejournal.com

Re: Been there...

Thanks for commenting and letting meknow I'm not crazy. It doesn't happen often but once in a while I get this way.


ladycolete: (Default)

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